I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
