I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
