they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
