I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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