It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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