So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
