Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
