flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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