you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
