Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
me + whiskey = a bad person
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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