Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
