During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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