Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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