You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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