Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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