I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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