Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
