4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
