wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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