he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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