I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
