im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize