If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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