A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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