Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
