You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
