This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
