He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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