You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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