i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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