remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
