i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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