He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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