Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
