this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
