how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
