I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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