I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize