Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i drank out of a bidet.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
