Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
