can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
