I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
