Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize