That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
