I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
