I only kidnapped one of them. chill
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
