Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
