I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize