You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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