My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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