I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
