So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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