Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
