maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
