Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize